Kindness

 

Being kind is often organic and effortless. However, when the kindness is taken for granted, misunderstood as weakness, or exploited for selfish gains, it takes immense efforts to continue being kind. In this blog I want to reflect on kindness and the challenges of being kind. 

 

I had a conversation with a senior professor yesterday. She was very polite and courteous. But she was not kind. I was supposed to travel to her university to teach. But I did not get train ticket reservations. I am a very light sleeper with low back pain issues. So, I prefer to take a day train when traveling because it helps me get a night’s rest after the travel so that I can be ready for the teaching session the next morning. But all trains were fully booked and so I did not get a proper train reservation. I was explaining this to the professor. But she kept insisting that I travel somehow. She suggested that I should travel by night train or I should take a bus. She kept missing the issues that I raised. To an external person, our conversation would have sounded ‘nice’ and ‘kind’, but it lacked empathy. Sometime after that conversation ended, I realized that I am not ‘entitled’ to kindness. We just embrace it when it comes and bask in its warmth but cannot claim it as a right or expect it. 

 

Kindness is a way of life in which a person acts voluntarily and in an intentional manner towards the benefit of others motivated by compassion and empathy. Kindness is an inner attitude that is demonstrated through behaviors. Kindness is less about what we do, and more about who we are. There are some core characteristics of kind acts including:

·      Voluntariness – kind acts are done out of a person’s own volition and are not forced by others. I am a doctor. My profession demands that I help people get better. On many occasions even when I don’t feel very kind, my actions end up being acts of kindness. They are mandated by my profession. They may or may not be voluntary acts of kindness. 

·      Intentionality – kind acts are done intentionally. Sometimes I may do something that turns out to be kind to someone, but I never intended it that way. Those are not really acts of kindness. I may have a thrown out a worn-out pair of slippers. Someone walking on the street barefoot may stumble upon it and wear it to overcome the heat on the road. It was an unintentional act that benefited a random person. It cannot be said to be an act of kindness. 

·      Unconditional – kind acts are usually unconditional. If an act is done to repay someone for a prior debt or out of a feeling of obligation, it is not unintentional. Such acts may not really qualify as acts of kindness. 

·      Generosity – kind acts usually demonstrate a level of generosity. It is over and above what a regular person would do. If someone has fallen on the street and we happen to pass by, helping them is basic humanity, it cannot be considered as a generous act of kindness. 

 

Sometimes shying away from conflicts, failure to take a stand, constantly trying to please others and not taking difficult decisions appear ‘nice’. But they are the exact opposite of kindness. When confronted by a difficult situation, a kind person will raise the voice and stand up for the weak and vulnerable, but the weak person will side with the powerful and stay quiet. Kind persons do not always seem ‘nice’ and ‘nice’ people are not always necessarily kind. 

 

Power and dominance are seen as signs of strength. A dominant leader is seen as a go-getter and someone who can get things done. On the other hand, a kind leader is seen as weak. Democratic process, collaboration, empathy, all these are seen as indicators of weakness. Authoritarian, chest thumping, loud leaders are admired and praised, while the intellectual, soft-spoken and democratic leader is perceived as weak. Being competitive and ambitious is seen as strong. Being content, self effacing and humble is seen as weak. In this context, kindness is viewed as weakness. 

 

Many people learn not to be kind due to bitter life experiences. A kind person is often taken advantage of and exploited by people who lack integrity. There was this particularly busy clinic day. I was seeing patients nonstop from 9 AM till 5 PM. There were some people in our organization, who waited till 5 PM and came to see me after that. They had non-emergency health conditions. They knew very well that I had not had a break since morning and was working relentlessly. They also knew very well that I am not capable of declining to see them on the grounds that I am tired. Despite this they came and consulted me. That is what I would categorize as ‘exploiting a person’s kindness’. One can say that taking a firm stand that I will not see non-emergency situations after such a busy day is an act of kindness to the self. But then I came from the school of training where I was told that “hundreds of cheats and liars may benefit out of us, nothing wrong, but not even one needy person must be denied of our help”. It is said that the kindest of hearts is often hurt the most. “உள்ளத்தில் நல்ல உள்ளம் உறங்காதென்பது வல்லவன் வகுத்ததடா...” says the immortal verses of Kannadasan, the great Tamil poet. Translated to English it means “the kindest of hearts is the one which never sleeps”. Repeated such insults and attacks on the kind heart sometimes harden it and they become skeptical about being kind. People learn not to be kind to protect themselves. 

 

Every kind person has suffered the brunt of being kind. They have been misunderstood as being weak, their generosity has been taken advantage of, they have been exploited and hurt repeatedly. But despite this they remain kind, because kindness is not something one consciously decides to do; it is innate. A kind person bounces back from all the hurts and continues to be kind because they derive happiness from it. It is what makes them feel like themselves.