Changing interests; Changing mind

I am a teacher of community medicine, who does not have a teaching job at present. But I have consciously used the present tense in the above sentence, because I see that most of my fulfilling friendships are with my students and mentees. So even though I don’t teach anymore, I continue to cherish being the teacher that my students love! One of my favorite activities is meeting them over a cup of coffee and having long conversations with them about their life, work and interests. Recently I met a young man who was a student in our college 4 years ago. We were talking about life, over brownies and Shepard’s Pie (a vegetarian version). He said, “You know how I used to read and write a lot when I was in college? Now I seem to have lost that interest. Neither do I read nor write anything. I think I need to understand where I lost myself. If I discover where I lost these interests, I believe I can reclaim them.”  

This got me thinking about lost interests and reclaiming them. As a young boy growing in a musically inclined household, my days were filled with Carnatic music at home. M.S. Subbulakshmi, Maharajapuram Santhanam, T. N. Seshagopalan, K.J. Yesudas, Unnikrishnan, Sudha Raghunathan, Bombay Jayashree, Nithyashree Mahadevan and Aruna Sairam would sing Ragam Tanam Pallavis and concert Tukda pieces in the cassette player every morning even as I woke up. December season was the celebration time for our family. We would divide the sabhas in T Nagar, Mylapore and across Chennai between us and conquer. I attended Carnatic vocal music lessons and learned singing for about 10 years. My dreams used to be filled with concert performances and older uncles and aunties attending the concerts commenting ‘besh besh…’ to my music. Fast forward 30 years, now not only have I completely stopped singing, but I also don’t listen to Carnatic music or attend concerts. December now is pleasant weather, Christmas, plum cake season and not sabha-trotting for music! What changed? When did it change? How did I lose interest in Carnatic music? I have never thought this through till now. When the young student was reflecting on how he lost his interest in reading and writing it got me into a reflection on my own loss of interest. 

 

I went to school and medical college in Chennai. I stayed at home throughout this period. There was Carnatic music surrounding me throughout this time. Therefore, I remember up till college days, I used to sing and even performed small concerts in temples. But after college days life changed, as it does for most. Work life moved me out of my comfort zone of friendships and relationships. There was less and less time for Carnatic music in the busy scheme of things. This period was also a tough time in my life, struggling in hectic work with meagre pay and bleak prospects of career progress. My energies were focused on pulling my life together. Then I travelled out of Chennai to study. Exposures and influences around me changed drastically. The culture and ethos of the institution where I worked was drastically different from my protected Carnatic Musical environment at home. Deeper interests in reading and intellectual pursuits took root. Debating and having discussions on topics ranging from medicine to politics became more appealing. My engagement and work with the poor and marginalized communities and their suffering and struggle for even a basic decent life, made me question religion and God. Carnatic music is largely a music form that celebrates the Hindu Gods in their various forms. Carnatic music becomes less appealing when the spirit of devotion to God diminishes. The more I engaged with intellectual and critical thought, the politics of Carnatic music started revealing itself to me. By then I had already started losing interest in the music form but delving into the caste politics and exclusivity that mired Carnatic music, finally nailed the lid on the coffin. I gradually stopped singing and stopped listening to Carnatic music. My interest now lies in reading and writing in English as well as Tamil. I read devotional poetry in Tamil like the thevarams, tiruvasagam, tiruppugazh with an awe over the poetic beauty of the songs. But I don’t think the emotion that they evoke is bhakti. 

 

I think we develop interests in art forms and leisure time activities influenced by our ambient environment, culture, and people around us. These interests appeal to our inner self at that point of time. Sometimes our interests fill a void in our minds. When this void is filled or morphed, the interest changes. I also believe that our interests must be viewed in the context of our overall mental frame of reference at that time. Some key events in our life change the way we think and act. When such paradigm shifting events happen, it is inevitable that interest will change. This was probably the reason for why my interest in Carnatic music changed. I also think it will be an useful exercise for all of us to trace our interests at various points in our lives and note the corresponding life events. Not only will this help us understand our own lives, but it will also help us understand ourselves and how we have evolved as a person. 

 

Having said all this, should I start singing again? Should I discover how I lost interest in Carnatic music and try to reclaim it? Will it work if I tried? The answers to these questions directly derive from my understanding of how I lost interest in the first place. Therefore, I don’t see myself singing Carnatic music again. I don’t see myself sitting through a full-fledged concert in December. The other day my elderly aunt who is severely disabled due to a neurological disorder of aging, asked me to sing one of her favorite songs. She remembers me as the young boy who proudly satisfied the musical requests of all uncles and aunties during family get-togethers. When I told her I don’t sing anymore she was shocked. She said, “What a waste of God given talent. Start singing again, it is disservice to the society if you don’t sing” She started making elaborate plans for me to join vocal coaching classes and learning kritis again. I was a bit confused that day and was asking myself many questions. Now, I know reclaiming a lost interest is like trying to fit into the old jeans that we used to wear as a young person and which we outgrew. There is no going back in age and body proportions. There is no going back to Carnatic music for me. That doesn’t mean I have lost something. It only means some things have changed, not necessarily for the bad. I would say the same to the young man who was reflecting on his loss of interest in reading and writing. He should surely try to reclaim it if he wants, but if he is not able to, I think it is normal too. Loss of an interest is not really a loss; it is just a change.