Emotional conflict of a traditional Hindu with critical thought

The chant of “Jai Shree Ram” was reverberating throughout the town. What is meant to be a veneration and respect to the God, Rama, to be honest, evokes a sense of apprehension in me of late because it is the same chant that radical fundamentalists use to commit heinous mob lynchings in the name of Hindutva. I am in Ayodhya today, having accompanied my parents, as their escort and physical support for their much-cherished pilgrimage to one of the holiest contemporary Hindu shrines, the Ayodhya Ram Janmabhoomi temple. Our railway ticket reservation from Gaya to Ayodhya was waitlisted and did not get confirmed till the last minute. So we decided to cancel the tickets and travel by a taxi instead. We left Gaya by 4.15 PM amidst some heavy rainfall, which is quite uncharacteristic weather for this time of the year. The gentleman who drove us was apprehensive to talk to us as we were not conversant in Hindi, his native language and he in ours, Tamil. The car ride was very different from the rides I have taken before. The first 1/3 of the drive passed through the state of Bihar. The rest was in Uttar Pradesh. The difference between Bihar and UP was quite stark. While Bihar had huge farmlands along the highway, with large swathes of darkness on either side of the road, UP was bright and shining with brilliant lights. The reason must have been the recently completed Maha Kumbh in Prayagraj. We made a stop in a small town called Jaunpur for dinner as that was the only highway restaurant that we could find around the time we were hungry. The restaurant looked brand new. The interiors were done beautifully. Just as we parked our car and went in, a bus arrived and parked just behind us. Within minutes the entire restaurant was abuzz with a mix of Telugu and Tamil chitter-chatter. The bus was full of pilgrims, just like us, traveling all the way from Mysuru to Ayodhya by bus to visit the Ram temple. As we sat in the restaurant waiting for our table service, we watched the excited buzz of activity among the pilgrims from the bus. They were happy and loud! We waited for more than 15 minutes and there was no one in our table. So I walked up to the front desk and noticed that there was a tiny note which read ‘self service’. I walked up to the guy there and asked him what we can have for dinner. 

“Nothing” was his reply. I did not understand. So I repeated the question, “Sir, what can we have for dinner? Can you show us a menu?” 

“I heard you the first time. I told you we have nothing ready for dinner. If you want, you can get tokens and get yourself some tea from the kiosk outside the restaurant” said the rude young man and turned to the next customer. This was not the first time that someone had snapped at me during this pilgrimage. I was starting to get used to it. But I was wondering, what is the need for such a fancy posh restaurant with such grand interiors etc. if there is no food to be served. 

 

I got tea-tokens for the four of us and walked up to the kiosk outside the restaurant. The entire bus-load of pilgrims had surrounded the tea kiosk and every one was handing out the red colored token to the guy behind the kiosk counter. He had a look of bewilderment and apprehension on his face. He must have been overwhelmed by the massive clientele all at the same time. I stood there thrusting my set of red tokens towards him, watching and wondering how he was going to handle the situation. There was absolute chaos. The tea was ready. He poured it from the large tea cauldron into a smaller flask and was filling out the tea into small clay pots. 20 small pots were filled and ready to be served. When he looked up and saw hundreds of hands thrusting and pushing the tokens on his face, he backed up a bit, held his hands up and yelled at the crowd to fall up in a line and give him the tokens. The crowd did not pay any heed to what he was saying. One middle aged bulky man pushed everyone aside walked forward and placed the red tokens on the table and took 3 clay pots of tea and walked away. Another followed and picked up 2 for himself after placing the tokens on the table. People were unmindful of any semblance of order and just came and picked up the tea glasses and walked away. One of the important things I noticed over the past one week of traveling here is huge crowds everywhere and lack of any civic responsibility among the people. Pushing others around, making sure they are the first ones in the queue, cutting lines, and a sense of absolute entitlement marked the behavior of many people. The young man who was driving us, pulled out the tokens from my hand and said, “If you keep standing here, we cannot reach Ayodhya on time. Give them to me, I will pick up 4 glasses of tea for us” He said this, grabbed the tokens and brought back 4 pots of tea for us. His aggression did not make sense to me. But I guess in places like this, and in dire situations like these such aggression is the only thing that works. We had our tea and got on with our trip without much in the form of dinner. 

 

After an arduous 10 hour taxi ride, we reached Ayodhya around 2.30 AM in the morning. A room had been booked for us in Ayodhya. We were supposed to arrive at 6.40 AM by train. But arrived almost 4 hours earlier by 2.30 AM. I had updated the room manager about our change in plans. He had promised us that someone will be up and waiting for us when we arrive at the room. Unfortunately nobody was there. The room was locked shut from inside and however hard we tried to ring the bell or bang the door, nobody responded. It was cold outside, and we were standing on the road. There were some angry stray dogs on the street and some monkeys who were looking for food and baring their teeth at the barking strays. It looked like a gang war between the monkeys and the strays was impending. It definitely did not seem like the right time to be out there on the street with these two aggressive teams pitted against each other. After several more aggressive bangs and thrusts on the door, a young man opened the door to the hotel and let us in. He was in deep sleep and did not understand what was happening. Like clockwork he showed us to our room and went back to sleep. We settled in the room and went to sleep as soon as we touched the bed. 

 

Ayodhya has a rather controversial history. All Indians and others who have followed the news in the past 50-70 years, know the history of Ayodhya. Ayodhya is said to be the birth place of Rama, the mythological God, incarnation of Maha Vishnu. Many Hindus believe that Rama is not mythological, but a historical King and God who ruled India with one of the most benevolent and compassionate approach to people. There are historical records that indicate the presence of Rama’s castle, and many other castles of the period of Rama’s life in the area. In 1992, some Hindu fundamentalist groups calling themselves ‘karsevaks’ took things in their hands and demolished the Babari masjid a place of muslim worship, which had been constructed over the birth place of Rama. Since then, things had been tense in the area. In 2019, the ruling party in India, BJP under the prime minister Narendra Modi, promised in their election manifesto that they would construct the grand temple in the disputed area. The supreme court ruled that the land belonged to the Hindu group and immediately in 2020, the construction was started. In 2024, Narendra Modi did consecration of Rama in the temple amidst huge celebrity and VIP fan fare. 

 

The Ayodhya town itself is a small under-developed town of Uttar Pradesh. Bad roads, poorly managed sewage system, unregulated traffic mark the town. But in the middle of this town is this sprawling campus of the temple. Opulence and grandeur on one side, absolute poverty on the other hand; rich upper class pilgrims on one side, those who chase behind the cars for alms on the other; the average poor and middle class standing in long queues and walking to the temple for darshan, and the rich upper class pushed in their wheelchairs by poor laborers towards the God. Ayodhya marked the huge inequities between the rich and poor wherever you saw. 

 

As I stood amidst the crowds inside the temple I was surrounded by a mix of sensory and emotional inputs. The interiors of the temple were decorated with exquisite carvings and marble sculptures. As I stood there, I was surrounded by grand art pieces and it was a feast for the visual senses. There was a huge crowd standing around me chanting “Jai Shree Ram” some silently, but others loudly and vigorously. While the eyes were enjoying the beautiful sculptures and art work, the boisterous noise of the chants created a sense of apprehension. Just about the time we reached close to the deity it was time for the evening rituals. The idol of Ram Lalla (child Rama) is beautiful and adorned with gold, diamonds and flower garlands. The opulence of the idol is remarkable. As I stood there watching the rituals being performed, I couldn’t help but think of all the controversy, riots, loss of life, fights, communal disharmony and politics that went behind building of this show of grandeur. The child in me, who was brought up listening to the Ramayana and taught to be a devout Hindu, suddenly woke up and tried to correct the thoughts. “Why am I thinking of all the politics while I should be worshipping and praying?”, “Why am I not able to chant the slokas of Rama while in the presence of the idol?”, “Why am I having no sense of divinity or devotion in this temple?” I was overcome by an intense sense of guilt that is a learned behaviour among most people born and brought up in traditional Hindu households. Torn between critical social thought and traditional religious beliefs people like me will never be able to see Ayodhya as a pilgrim site.  As we return today from Ayodhya, the single overwhelming thought in my mind, “Are all these years of dispute and conflict really worth it?”