Generation Gap and an open mind...

While discussing with an erstwhile student this morning, the discussion rapidly morphed into an argument. The student said, "while I am grateful for the fact that you engaged in this discussion, what you are saying does not make sense to me and does not really matter to me". My initial reaction to it was anger and hurt. But then I slowly realised that there is a 20+ years age gap and a huge generation gap between us, which is the reason for such a predicament. When I brought it up, the young man pointed out to me that I am unnecessarily invoking a generation gap to cover up my inability to convince him. I had to end the conversation there, because things were getting uncomfortable. Here are some of the things which I told him, which did not make sense to him and thus led to the rapid south-bound spiral of the discussion. 

1. "Self care is over-emphasised. It comes from an unnecessary heightened sense of importance for the self."

Self preservation and caring for the self is a natural instinct. The human being is created in such a way that an otherwise normally functional human being is incapable of harming the self. This is why it is extremely challenging for us to injure ourselves in ways that are very painful. The extreme situation is self-harm as seen in persons with suicidal tendencies and severe mental illness. Self care is intrinsic. When something is so intrinsic, there is no need to be consciously working on it all the time. When we have worked too much, the body will indicate it by feeling tired, exhausted. That is the time to stop and go to sleep. Being sensitive to the needs of the body and mind is sufficient. Indulging in self care over and above what the body calls for, is unnecessary and is over-hyped. From this exaggerated call for self-care comes the idea of work-life balance. Too much emphasis on self care can sometimes be a subtle manifestation of an inflated sense of self, and self centeredness. Sometimes when we put others ahead of our selves in our work, the universe comes together to help us and care for us. There have been innumerable instances where I have worked in the hospital forgetting sleep, food and rest. Staff and patients who have seen this have noticed, and fed me, have protected and defended me from reprimand by seniors, and have physically forced me to go and nap for a bit during the night in the doctor's duty room. If we place care of others over self care, the universe balances it out and cares for us. 

2. "It is important to doubt oneself and blame oneself for mistakes before shifting the blame on others"

I have often heard people tell me "don't be so hard on yourself". I think being hard on myself now and then is very important for personal growth. Being hard on myself is a way of setting high enough moral standards for myself. Unless I consider the possibility that I may be wrong, I can never understand whether what I did was right. The dean of the institution where I used to work, once walked into my class when I was teaching and spoke rudely to me in front of the students and insulted me. I was very upset and angry with him for that act. I was furious that he had entered and interrupted my class and had humiliated me. But then after the initial phase of anger was over, I calmed down and asked myself, was there a chance that I could have been wrong. It was actually not my class that day. One of my colleagues was supposed to be teaching. But they had not come for class on time. I had come as a substitute and I had come a bit late. The dean had received messages that the other teacher was late and so he had come to check on that. It was during that time that he found me in the class. It must have confused him and he must have been upset about it. Insulting a teacher in a classroom full of students is not justified even then. But it was only when I considered the fact that I could be wrong, that this thought process arose in my mind. It gave me peace. If I had not asked myself, "is it possible that this whole thing is my mistake?" I don't think I would have ever realised this possibility, and I would have never been able to move on with the fact that the dean had insulted me. So, self-doubt helps in peace and character building. 

3. "Solution to problems is in working through them and experiencing the discomfort that arises from it and not escaping from the problem" 

Aversion to discomfort has become an important character trait nowadays. Many of us are averse to the inconveniences in dealing with problems. We want success, but don't want the inconvenience of hard work. We want instant results, and are averse to the uncertainty of waiting. We want to avoid problems. This has let to excess emphasis on being prepared, that many of us have lost spontaneity in our lives. Gone are the days of picking up a bag and boarding a train to just go somewhere new. Everything is now planned including the destination, the route, the hotel for staying, the tourist spots to visit, the places to eat. There are no surprises, no uncertainties. When there is a power shortage at home, we immediately switch on the generator / inverter. There is no waiting in candle light for the power supply to resume. The student was mentioning about an adverse situation in his life. He said, he doesn't want to face it any more and so wants to escape from it. I believe that ducking from the problem is not the answer. He must face it, go through the inconvenience of addressing it and go through the problem to emerge out of it. The solution to the problem is not ducking it, it is in facing it, going through it to emerge on the other side of it. 

I was unable to conclude the discussion with the young man because emotions were running high. I have written this blog to share with him. One of the greatest learning for me from this episode was that generational differences are true and bridging the gap requires people of either generation to have a flexible and open mind. I am working on making my perspectives flexible.