What does it mean to me to be a doctor?

A friend asked me an important question recently. "What does it mean to you to be a doctor?" I have been pondering over it the past two days and several thoughts popped up in my mind. I wrote down all the thoughts that came to my mind and organised them into this essay. 

Medicine is my job. It puts food on my plate. From the time I started in 2002, medicine has consistently and faithfully fed me, clothed me, sheltered me and taken care of my most basic needs. It has never been about luxury or indulgences, but being a doctor has given me the security that I will never go hungry. It has assured for me a basic standard of living, which has been steady. 

While on one hand it has given me a steady income and sustenance, it is also something I am interested in doing. I have heard the phrase "work-life balance" and have wondered what it is. Why should there be a balance between work and life? If work is exciting and interesting, wouldn't one want more of it in their life? This has been my experience with clinical medicine. Talking to patients, interacting with them, worrying about them, has always given me the right motivation to keep going. Clinical medicine means more than work. It means to me something which is so interesting that I would continue doing it for many more years. Not a day in the clinic has been boring. 

Clinical medicine also gives me a safe space where I can be myself. I don't have to put on a false facade to impress people, or to please them. I have learned that in clinical medicine when we are genuinely interested in helping our patients, they see through all our shortcomings and accept us for who we are. On certain days, I am very tired even while I reach the rural clinic after the long 2.5 hour journey. My hair is dishevelled, my clothes are wrinkled and soaked in sweat and I am not a very pleasant sight to the eye. But my patients have always seen me with kindness, accepted me for who I am, the way I am. In many professional and peer groups, I have been judged as being 'too quiet', 'too unfriendly', 'too introverted', 'too arrogant'. These same characteristics have been seen as 'keen listener', 'a patient doctor', 'not getting angry easily' by my patients. I feel safe being amidst my patients in my clinic, more than I am in the middle of professionals and peers. 

Medicine is my frame of reference. Even in everyday interactions I make right and wrong decisions as I would make in my clinical practice. The other day, a flower seller had come to our home to sell jasmine flowers to my mother for offering during prayers. My mother was a bit busy washing her clothes and the lady was waiting for quite some time. My immediate thought was, "we are the receivers of the service (flower sale) and we are making the provider wait. Whereas in my clinic, I am the provider and I make the receivers of service (patients) wait". I immediately rushed from my room and took the flowers from her, paid her and sent her off on her way. The lady who does laundry in our street, also lovingly referred to as the 'Iron Lady' because she irons out the creases in our clothes, has two grand daughters. Our family supports them in their education. The school fees have become very high in recent times. When I see that, I immediately think of how education and health are not compatible with commercialisation. I see health and medicine almost in everything and it is my dominant frame of reference. 

Being a doctor is my way of life. Every small action of mine reflects that I am a doctor. My aunt once noticed that I generally look deeply into a glass of water before drinking it. She asked me why I do that. I couldn't explain, as it was a subconscious act. Then after deeply thinking and reflecting on why I am looking into the water, I realised that I am actually checking for particulate matter that are floating around in the water. I must have seen something floating in water long ago, I must have read about it in medicine and it became an ingrained practice. I cook the main meal of the day in my house. I find myself mentally marking the calorific value or each ingredient before adding them in the pot. There is a dish called "poricha koottu" in which we add coconuts, pepper and black gram, roast them and grind them to a spicy paste. When I add coconut, I subconsciously check myself whether I am adding too much, as coconut is high in fat and I want to avoid it. While traveling in public buses, trains I notice all the swellings, ulcers, faces contorted with pain, everything even before I notice the people. While my friends would point out strangers as 'blue shirt', 'yellow saree' etc. I would point out as 'guy with bent knees', 'lady with a goitre' and so on. I have realized that I can never think or act other than like a doctor. 

Finally, being a doctor is my easy ticket to spirituality. I used to work in a medical college as a teacher and do clinical medicine in my rural clinic during the weekends. While the week days would be so tiring, I would feel energised and recharged after my weekend clinics. I realise that it is because of the spiritual experience that clinical medicine is. Being a doctor in the clinic, grounds me in reality. It gives me the experience of humility in the face of the grand wonder that is the human body. It makes me feel that I am a small speck in the large scheme of things in the universe. Medicine gives me an everyday opportunity to practice kindness, altruism, compassion, empathy and oneness with the universe. 

I don't know if I have answered the question that friend asked, what it means to me to be a doctor. I am sure it means much more to me to be a doctor than what I have tried to explain here. I think, being a doctor means everything to me. I am a doctor on and off the clinic and I am saying this with not a shred of hubris.