Inner peace in noisy surroundings and inner noise in deserted loneliness

 I have been in a zone of introspection and questioning myself the past few months. The questions of "what is the purpose of my life?", "what am I doing here?", "where do I want to go?" have been reverberating in my mind. One of the things I recently discovered about myself is that I enjoy solitude in crowded settings. It sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I have always liked to hang out in crowded malls, restaurants, parks, the Marina beach in Chennai, all by myself. The background din of conversations, honking horns, moving vehicles and all the ambient noises of the typical crowded spaces somehow quietens my mind and creates a unique inner experience. The crowd all around me offers a safe comfort that I am part of something bigger than myself. It makes me a small piece of a larger jigsaw puzzle. It gives me the feeling that I am part of something which would be incomplete without me and if you take me out of it, I would be meaningless too. All this comfort, along with a solitude in which nobody comes into my physical and mental space, creates the best situation for me for introspection. My workplace in Chennai used to be very close to home and so I used to walk to and back from home every day. The 15-20 minute walk gave me a lot of space and time for thinking. In the mornings when I used to walk to work, hundreds of other people would be out on the roads in their morning exercise and walking at 7.30 AM. In the evening when I used to walk back home, there would be traffic all around and people moving about in a frenzy returning home from their own work spaces. The norm was always an overcrowded road with people all around me. It gave me the immense peace and a meditative state. I remember mentally rehearsing many of my 8 AM lectures during my morning walks. I would have epiphanies of what I wanted to share with the students. I remember there was a class on purification of water at the household level, which I had to deliver to a class of 125 students at 8 AM in the morning. I started walking to work at 7.20. As I was reflecting on what I should say, recollecting the various methods of household water purification, suddenly the vision of a young girl, whom I had seen in my rural clinic several years ago popped into my mind. She was a 8 year old child who was sent away from school because she had highly embarrassing massive bowel movements in the middle of the classes. It happened so frequently that the teachers found it disturbing and sent her away from school. I vividly remember the anxiety in her mother's face when she brought her to the clinic for treatment, and possibly to be sent back to school to complete her education. I decided I was going to narrate the story of this girl in class. The young girl had recurrent chronic giardiasis, a parasite infestation of the large bowel, common in areas with poor hygiene and sanitation. Medical treatment was not enough. We had to intervene at a social level and teach the mother household level water purification, which was the only thing which helped the girl get back to school. Today the girl has completed her college education and is working in a small company in the nearby town and making a decent livelihood for herself and her family. I recall the look of absolute awe in the faces of some the students when I narrated this story and then spoke about household water purification. Such were the nice ideas that used to pop in the open mind while walking in a meditative state immersed in a crowd of human noise while walking to work. 

I am now in Geneva, having traveled her for work. I am staying in a hotel which is a few kilometres away from the office. I have to take a small walk to the bus stand, then take the bus to work, and then back. Yesterday evening after finishing my work, I took the bus and then from the bus station, started walking back to the hotel room. There was an unnerving silence all around me. The time was around 5 PM, and there was absolutely nobody on the roads. 

That is the image of the road on which I was walking. My mind was not as quiet as the surroundings. It was not as solitary as I was. Disorganised thoughts were flooding my mind. I did not even know what exact things I was thinking and in what order. It was as though my mind decided to fill out the absolute silence all around with a noise of its own. I then once again realized that I needed a crowded space with a lot of background noise to be able to think properly. My theory is that some of us have noisy minds and require a noise background for those minds to quieten up, and some of us have quiet minds which work best in quiet backgrounds. Therefore, I find the quietness in many small European cities, very disturbing! 

Last evening, I had this opportunity to dine with an amazing couple here in Geneva. I work with one of them here. I have known her since 2016, but have only interacted in official settings. She was very kind to have invited me for dinner to her place. She had cooked delicious Iranian food, served with delightful conversation about Indian music, Hinduism, Bahai faith, doctor-patient relationships, working with communities, investing in non-cognitive early school education and retinitis pigmentosa! 

That is the dinner she served, it had saffron flavoured Basmati rice, kidney beans cooked in a red sauce with lime for flavouring and yogurt with pomegranate and mint. After that unnervingly lonely walk in the deserted roads in the evening, the warm and delightful conversations and company once again opened my mind. I will always cherish the memories of last evening. I could sense the child-like excitement in my hosts who I could feel, enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. Dinner finished with a generous helping of a dark chocolate ice cream (70% bitter dark chocolate). My host said he was thrilled and happy to see someone who likes that dark chocolate as much as he does. I did not tell them that I had stopped eating all the high calorie foods almost 6 months ago after being diagnosed with some health issues. I made an exception, a cheat day, and the chocolate ice cream was like rain to parched land! It filled a deep systemic craving for chocolate which I had denied myself for 6 months. I never told this to my hosts, but I owe them a lot for that experience! Some experiences are enriching. I experienced two extremes yesterday, the inner noise in a deserted and quiet surrounding and absolute inner peace in a quiet delightful company. I need for myself some Chennai noise now!