A few painful lessons

I have travelled to Switzerland to record a few videos for what is known as a Massive Open Online Course. I have been working on developing the content, storyboard and script for this MOOC since August 2023 and it has been a very interesting process. I worked with a team of very enthusiastic persons, who gave me thorough feedback on the content. We worked on several iterations of the content and even had it peer reviewed by experts in the field. The content development was completed in November 2023. Towards the end of November 2023, the person who was coordinating this MOOC development asked me to record the videos from Chennai and share the content with them. I searched for persons to record, found a contact through a friend and explained the process. I don't think this person has any experience recording videos like this. The work was very unprofessional in many ways. The videographer never stuck to timelines. He found a recording studio and took it on hire, and unfortunately it was situated bang on the main road with a lot of background noise while recording. In the middle of recording suddenly the loud noise of an autorickshaw would blare into the supposedly sound-proof room and then we would pause the recording and start all over again. The biggest problem was that there was no teleprompter facility, or even a screen to view the presentation as I spoke. This was a major limitation as it meant that I had to memorise the entire 18 page script. I had requested him to arrange for it, but he backed off in the last minute and I stayed up overnight and memorised it. After this entire ordeal, we sent the videos to the contact person who was coordinating the MOOC and the person gave some interesting comments and rejected the videos. Not only this, they refused to pay the amount due to the videographer, as the output was not to their satisfaction. I had to pay the videographer from my pocket. Now, coming to the reasons why they rejected my videos - (1) the shirt I was wearing was not appropriate (2) the microphone I was using to speak into was too prominent and distracting (3) my facial expressions are dull (4) I am not smiling enough on camera. It took me a long time to understand the email that I received. I read it over and over again to see whether I am missing something about a wrong content, or a wrong fact that was mentioned in the videos. But no, the reason the video was rejected was only for the reasons stated above. It was the first time that I was being judged for how I looked. It was not a good feeling. I thought of all those young boys and girls whom the society body-shames and expects to adhere to the artificial norms of how an 'attractive person' should look. I thought of how generations of young women in our society are ostracised for their skin colour and made to feel inferior. Here I was 45 years of age, and experiencing a kind of body shaming, and judgement for my appearance for the first time in my life. It did not seem like that bad a deal and I let go after some time. 

Fast forward a few months and the same contact person invited me to come over to Switzerland to do these recordings. I had just resigned my job, I was free, and it was an interesting opportunity for some work as well as for networking, so I took it up. Little did I realize that some core elements about me, which were reasons for why my original recordings were rejected had not changed. For example, I hadn't undergone an acting course or a personality development crash course to improve my body language or facial expressions. I hadn't done a major overhaul of my wardrobe. I was the same person, just a few months older, and a few kilograms lighter than I was in November 2023. Today I went to the recording studio to complete my recordings and I am reflecting on what happened in the studio. I rehearsed the script several times over the past 3 days that I have been here and even wrote the whole thing down once to just commit it all to my memory. The recording was such a thrilling experience. It was a cozy and compact room with state of the art equipment. 

There was a camera and superimposed on it was a teleprompter, which displayed the script. I did not even require it as I knew the entire script by heart now. But the presence of the teleprompter was a major confidence booster. Most importantly the technician who supported me to record this whole thing was an amazingly friendly young man. He sat there with me in the studio the whole time I was recording and was manually varying the pace of the text in the teleprompter based on the speed with which I was speaking. His action was so perfectly synchronised with what I was speaking that the whole recording of about 1 hour's content got done within 1 hour and 30 minutes. The recording technician was also paying such close attention to the content and he paused me at the right places where I slipped or mispronounced a word and had me re-record those bits. It was such a stark contrast to my previous recording experience. The sophistication of the studio, the competence of the technician and my own repeated rehearsals and commitment to memory of the entire content must have worked towards this smooth recording experience. I was very satisfied and was waiting for the coordinator of the MOOC to see the videos and give her feedback. 

The coordinator came to the studio and asked for the recordings to be played. We played the recorded video on the large screen. I started speaking in the video, and about 2 mins into the video she asked me to pause the video. She said, "I am being critical here, because I am interested in the quality of the product. But you are not at all smiling in the video. I need you to smile, relax and show some emotion on the screen." It hit me like a rapid gush of hot air on my face. Then she asked me to play the video for some more time and again she paused it in a few minutes. This time she said, "Your shirt does not look nice. It is not fitting and is not ironed well. Didn't anyone point this out to you?" I started getting impatient. Then she said, "You have to re-record all the videos where we will show you on screen with this shirt properly pressed and ironed and you have to speak with emotions and a broad smile on your face." I am living in a tiny hotel room in this city where even basic room heating service is dysfunctional and they don't even have a 24 hour reception service, and where do I go for ironing my shirt now? Moreover, it has to be the same shirt for continuity purposes. But that was just a thing that crossed my mind immediately. I was deeply upset by the idea that I had to re-record the sections just for something as trivial as an ironed shirt and some exaggerated emotions on the face. I told her "I am not re-recording the sections for something as trivial as a shirt that is not ironed and not showing fake emotions on my face. I am not an actor and I cannot act on screen" The MOOC coordinator said, "Dont take this wrongly, think of me as your own elder sister. How can I show a video of some dishevelled professor in a world class MOOC? I want you to re-record with an ironed shirt" and she called the hotel where I was staying just to get someone to iron my shirt. To be honest, it was not a dishevelled shirt. I had ironed it before packing it in my suitcase to come to Switzerland. It was crisp and it even had the creases intact. 

Not sure if you would call this a wrinkled shirt! I wouldn't! To me that is what matters! 

As the weather was cold and I was wearing an overcoat just over it in the morning while traveling to the recording studio in a crowded metro train, it had a couple of wrinkles here and there. It was a dark coloured shirt, as recommended by the studio and repeatedly reinforced by them in their emails, in which they had shared photos of other persons who had recorded in the same studio earlier. The instructions were clear, it had to be dark shirt just so that it is easier to distinguish and contrast against a light background. Some people whose photos were shared even had worn T shirts, and some were in an informal sweater and jeans. The repeated instruction was plain shirt and dark colour and I adhered to it. But here I was being asked to re-record because the shirt is not appropriate. 

Other passers by who happened to see the video recording in the large screen also commented that it looked very natural, my hand gestures were good and my pronunciation, presentation and pace were very comfortable to hear. But my coordinator was very unhappy with my shirt and my facial expressions and emotions. She added, "Your voice is good and your presentation is good, but you have to change your shirt and you should smile broadly during the presentation." I was taken aback by this and did not know what to say. On one hand I was feeling obliged to do as she is asking, because she had invested a lot of money in flying me all the way to Switzerland and I owed her a good video. On the other hand, I was feeling upset and annoyed that she was judging my shirt, and my facial expressions. I am a very self conscious person and find it extremely difficult to smile in front of a camera. I have never invested a lot in clothes. I only buy and use non-branded shirts and pants, and I prefer to spend all that saved money on books, and invest it on people. As a consequence, my shirts are never cut to perfect fit and despite meticulous ironing, the fabric tends to get wrinkled a bit. I have never been in situations where I was judged for my clothes. To my clinic, I always wear an old cotton kurta and loose pants, comfort clothes that will not distract me from patient care. To my college, I used to wear the most comfortable cotton shirts and pants. In my clinic, my patients never had the time or intention to assess my clothes, because there was a much more important purpose in our interactions, neither was there any scope for such judgments by students, because what they got despite those clothes was more important to them. I now had to take a stand. Am I going to change my shirt, put a fake smile on my face and re-record, or am I going to say, this is who I am and this is what u get if you invite me to record. I said the latter and refused to re-record the video. That is when things got bitter. The coordinator of the MOOC mentioned that I may in principle not want to iron my shirt and put a fake smile on my face, but she cannot have a 'poor quality' product in her video. We seemed to be at an impasse. Some angry and bitter words were mentioned by the coordinator and I held on to my stand that I shall not re-record with an ironed shirt and a fake smile. 

Subsequently we had a calm discussion after lunch. My coordinator mentioned that my expertise and talent may be part of her decision to invite me to do the recording, but the main reason was because she wanted to help me and support me in my career advancement. I was shocked to hear that from her, because, here I was all the while believing that the hours of labour I put into developing the content and the quality that I tried to bring into the work was the reason why I was here today doing the recording. She kept repeating that when people like me from low and middle income countries come for such meetings, we must change ourselves and adapt to the ways of the competitive world. She justified her position, that she doesnt judge a book by its cover, but the world around her does and she is only trying to protect me. She said an interesting thing, "I am also like you. I also came from a low and middle income country setting and can understand what you mean when you say you will not re-record the video with an ironed shirt. But if you are like this you cannot advance in this world." They were well intentioned words, but absolutely jarring in my ears. I refused to iron my shirt and re-record. But as a compromise, tried to fake a big smile and recorded one small 2 min bit. I don't think I succeeded in bring out the emotion that well! I got back to the hotel room and am reflecting on the happenings of the day. 

My greatest learnings from this episode are that today's competitive world is all about show, flash and glamour. One may not know much, but if they dress well, speak confidently and 'show a lot of emotion' they are taken seriously. On the other hand, those who dress modestly, are not flashy are sidelined. When they rejected my videos in the first place, I should have known that their expectations from me are different and I will not be able to deliver them. Between then and now, the core person who I am, has not changed a bit. I should have never accepted the invitation to come to Switzerland now to record the whole thing again. Today if I had given in and ironed my shirt and re-recorded, it wouldnt have been a major problem for me. I have enough money today to buy a new shirt, or to even get this shirt ironed in a laundromat. I also have an entire day ahead of me for this work and I know the entire content well. It wont take much time to re-record either. But a line had to be drawn somewhere. That little wrinkle in the shirt and that serious expression on my face is a trivial thing for me, but a major thing for her. It is in such trivial details that compromises to principles and entire personalities start. Which are the worthy compromises and which are the frivolous ones not worth it? That is the important question, and to me the line had to be drawn there. I have realized with stronger conviction now that I dont belong in this showy, flashy circus. I am waiting to get back to my little world, where I get to be myself and stay happy about it.